I am so tired of talking about fears, not knowing what they look like for they are all me.
I fear not to be able to retain my love for you.
I fear i will hurt your sore heart and make you drown in your own tears.
I fear i will never be able to feel or hold on to someone, as i wasn’t able to do that in the past, not that i hadn’t the opportunity. I have always been the scorpion.
I fear i will die alone, as i was born alone, as i grew up alone, as i always spent most of my time, even when i was with someone. Not that i fear loneliness, but i know how much better i would be if i invested more time with people. With you.
I am detached from everything: things, feelings, people, friends, lovers, family, home.
I am in a journey to find the source of all this and maybe try to learn more from it.
Some time ago i prayed for someone to help me to find myself, i prayed to chance to find me a sweet surprise, a good and fair one, that would prevent me from fucking things up permanently. Someone that would make me vomit all the words traped inside me, someone that would ask me all the questions i never thought of asking myself. Even though i would not answer them right away i would search for those answers feeling stronger.
Are you my surprise? I shouldn’t be so lucky. I fear i will disappoint you.
Maybe i had to go through all the things i went through to learn how to fully appreciate you. Or maybe you are one more step i have to take in my long journey. Either way, it’s out of my hands now, i am bound to hold on to you for as long as i can, and i do not regret it. I will never regret it.
I feel you are, somehow, my positive and my negative, my dark and my light. Already we are so tunned in to the same longings, feelings, interests, tastes, it is overwhelming. And now, i feel like a schoolgirl! I lost my appetite for food, i only have appetite for you. I have a nest of larvae swirling inside my stomach but they turn to butterflies when i’m going to meet you, and they all fly away when your skin touches mine.
You came with your sad kindness and soothing words...
Sticked your fist deep down my throat and ripped my heart right of my chest!
You’re holding it in your hands.
You can have it.
I do not fear you.
I want to learn from you.
And more importantly, i want to learn with you.